I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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