drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
