I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
