I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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