i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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