benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
