I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize