i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
