my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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