see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize