so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
