When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
