Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
