It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
