In America we eat man semen.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
