I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
