I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Randomize
