Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
