I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm like, not good at living.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
