I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
