im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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