This is not my ceiling
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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