I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
