Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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