Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
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