It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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