I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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