Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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