I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
