apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
