I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
