Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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