I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
