If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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