The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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