can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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