Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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