you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
