She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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