I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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