i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
