dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
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