Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
