Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
