my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
