Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
