Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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