maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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