You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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