i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
