all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
