Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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