i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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