dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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