I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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