remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
