I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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